So, I decided to write a book!

Heysan! Hello! Good to see you! 

Finally, it's happening! I get to release the book! I get to cringe out my soul, open up my brain and leave it for everyone else to read. It's not at all terrifying! 😝

'Why did you write it', you ask?

Well, sit back, sip a cup of whatever and listen up! Because the background for my book is a bit different than the other kids'. 

When I was 9, my grandmother died and from that point on, nothing has seemed to go very damn well in my life. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say that it's a fucking miracle I'm still roaming around here. 

When I was 13, I saw Peter Pan for the first time. You know, the movie version from 2003 with Jeremy Sumpter and his charm and dimples and pink face. It was also around this time, that I started writing poems and short short stories. I still have them. Most of them are terrible.

Being as lonely, scared and miserable as I was, I needed an escape. And so it happened, that my first fantasy world came to life. Sort of like in the movie, Peter picked me up, I got my own little cot and a boom box. Once or twice a year, I would return to my room, to check on my little brother and get a calendar. 

Since then, many other fantasy worlds have come and gone. One of the biggest of them could compete with Friends. But more dramatic. 

How Kia started!

   By the time I turned 20, I was living by myself, I had failed again (I hadn't really, but it sure as hell felt so!) and things hadn't gotten better yet, despite how all the pep talk-media promised me. I can't remember the day Kia started. But I can remember the first version. Some of it, at least. 

   In my mind, I traveled to a bridge between Falster and Sjælland and jumped. But instead of drowning, I was dragged through an underwater portal and ended up in the river, in the middle of the Portal World's forest. Lucas was out on a solo camping trip, the lone wolf he is. He did not greet me pleasantly and immediately suspected me to be a Black Jacket. He took me to The Base, where I was interrogated and finally cleared by Andy. Lucas actually became a love interest of Kia's! Ridiculous now, where the story has ended up, but Lucas is actually a very central and highly beloved character to both Kia and me. He fades a bit to the background, but he is always there and always has Kia's back. 

   Obviously, I had to change a lot of details so the book wouldn't be a semi-autobiography, so don't think that everything you read is a dead-fit on me. The apartment, town square, bus, and ferry is real, though. It's all right here in Nykøbing. I lived in that apartment for a year and a half, before I moved to where I live now because I got a son. Beautiful. Batshit crazy. Caring and smart. A bit too smart at times. 

So why write it down?

   Well, for one, I love the story. (Obviously). For second, I needed to. Initially, as a therapeutic attempt, I wanted to write it down, because I needed to see if I could get it out of my head. I could, by the time I was halfway through writing the second book. 

   In late January 2017, I was back to feeling absolutely worthless, barely even considering myself a good enough mother. My struggle to close my case, about what kind of financial benefits I have the rights to, was really getting to me, plus a bunch of other things. My arthritis keeps getting worse. 

   But at least I finally got some answers, in the form of an ADHD-diagnosis with autistic features. It explains a lot and it's been a struggle to give up some of the self-hatred, I've been carrying. I'm so not there yet, but I've never given up, not for real and I never will. Whether I'd like to or not. 

   A significant part of that is thanks to worlds like Kia's. She is my survival mechanism. A safe one. I'm not a cutter, but there are many forms of self-harm. But my fantasy worlds are the one form of survival mechanism, that doesn't hurt me. That doesn't make me lose weight or sleep or parts of myself. Here, I can be free. 

   A friend of mine added me to a Facebook group called ForfatterForum (Writers Forum), and things really took off from there. I wrote the first draft and first edit in five months because I already had the whole story in my head. 

   I told a psychologist I was seeing a year ago, about the fantasy worlds, ashamed that I still needed them so much, despite being 28 now. She did not tell me to let them go. She did not tell me, I was doing something wrong. 

She told, that if I needed them, then I should keep them. 

   Can you even imagine the relief and hope I felt right then and there, getting that acceptance, that I was doing something good to actually help myself?

It was overwhelming. 

And now I'm sharing it with you. 

   I'm hoping to reach out to someone out there, who have found a safe Surv. Mech. themselves. Are you using fantasy worlds too? Have you found something else? If so, I would love to hear from you! Do you feel ashamed or insecure about it, not sure you can tell anybody about it? Me too!! And I want to hear from you! I want to help you, but frankly, myself too. Because I don't know anybody else who does this or something like this, you only ever hear about the harmful Surv.Mech.'s there are. I want to hear about the creative ways a person can find, to get through life, without harming themselves.

   I'm not looking for a big discussion or a taboo-breaking. There are plenty of those out there, and honestly - not all taboos need to be opened up and examined. 

   I just want to help. I just want to reach out. I want to find someone like me. I want to tell you, that you are doing one hell of a job. I want to remind you, that even if you only move forward one step a month, or can only crawl through your year, your still moving forward. It's okay. If you're moving, you're still progressing, there's still hope. 

   I'm 28. It hasn't really gotten better yet. But I have an amazing kid. And now, I have a freaking book! I accomplished something for myself for the first time, I can officially not call myself worthless anymore, regardless of anything. Fuck yeah! 

   Now, go buy my book, follow all of my SoMe-pages and bake me one of those chocolate cakes they have in Greece. 

   Thanks, see ya! 

This is Ben-ana and Eggbert. Ben-ana is upset, because his friend, Eggbert got a skull fracture. Doctors aren't optimistic.

💖👪